# People pleasing

    You are not responsible for other people's feelings

    If you find yourself people pleasing, prioritising other people’s needs even in irrational situations… then this is for you.

    Something I have to consciously remind myself (since the thought doesn’t come naturally) is that:

    How someone reacts to what you do is out of your control. It does NOT reflect anything about you.

    Of course, I will explain my intentions if it can be taken out of context, BUT If I speak act from honesty, love, and good intentions, what they do with that information is up to them. I am not responsible for their feelings.

    Sometimes even BEFORE I do something, my primitive brain kicks in with:”I don’t want them to hate me”. I theorise “Oh if I do __, I might make them mad/sad/angry”, and end up changing myself instead of accepting that some people _might be mad/sad/angry.

    I’m not talking dangerous, illegal, immoral situations, it’s more those really irrational, silliy-in-hindsight situations that people pleasers often find ourselves in…

    Like this recent one:

    I was at a friend’s BBQ and as the evening went on, they began cooking beef sausages. 2 things: I try to avoid eating beef, and I wasn’t hungry. But what crept into my mind as someone handed me a plate?

    “Oh they went through all this effort and cooked this, everyone else is going to eat, I don’t want to be the odd one out. But if I refuse the food, I might make them angry, (see that primitive brain?). I’ll just suck it up this one time…“

    My people pleasing was on steroids.

    I felt 100% responsible for my friends’ feelings, and to avoid that disappointment (completely irrational - they wouldn’t have cared), I agreed to do something I didn’t want to.

    But for fun, let’s say they were disappointed:

    SO WHAT. If they were, it would have nothing to do with me. I am not responsible for someone else’ emotions.

    And maybe that’s a little extreme even for you people pleasers… but the same message applies:

    You are responsible for your own emotions, feelings, actions, but not for others. You can’t please everyone and that’s ok. If you’re being kind, honest and moral, you have NOTHING to worry about.

    Jo