Why We Get Defensive

Why do we get defensive?

Usually when someone blames or criticises us, we’ll get hurt, make excuses or prove them wrong.

But even when someone may say something constructive, there’s still a hot chance we’ll take it PERSONALLY.

WHY.

On ‘Unf*ck your brain’, Kara talks about how it all links to SHAME.

We only get defensive around things we’re ashamed about, or know deep down we want to improve.

E.g, someone can say:

“Hey you’re not exercising enough”

Which would not affect me because I exercise enough.

“Hey you’re a bit stingy with that…“

EGO, SHAME will fly through the roof, since I’m working on being more generous.

So what can we do?

The first step is to be curious. Acknowledge the triggers that make you defensive, all in a non-judgemental way.

The second is to be aware that they’re linked to shame or a ‘lack’ of something.

The third is to work on these triggers, and put the shame to the side. They aren’t deficiencies, they are learning opportunities.

Kara recommends to ask ourselves:

“What would I want to think, feel and do about this tender area?”

Hmm well I do realise I’m not at the level of generosity I want to be… but I am taking small steps to get there. Even if people call me out, I know 100% I am trying.

It’s to be kind to yourself. And it might even encourage an action to get further towards your goal:

I want to give something to X and not expect anything in return.

The more we’re aware of our brain shame, the more in control we’ll be of our reactions and actions.