Let's just not talk it out
If I just stay quiet and do nothing, everything will work out just fine…
…is what we internalise to avoid confrontation.
Because we as a society are SO SO good at ignoring things.
That, and avoiding failure. (See alternate post for more passionate ranting).
Confrontation is uncomfortable, so avoidance is our best friend. If we avoid, then we don’t have to be vulnerable - nothing can hurt us.
Let’s be kind
First of all, the word ‘confrontation’ sounds intense. So instead, let’s call it a ‘discussion’.
Because that’s really all it is. A discussion focusing on eliminating assumptions and achieving clarity for everyone involved.
Why’s it good for you?
First of all, it creates clarity for yourself. When we’re seething, or whatever it is - we’re distracted.
We subconsciously spend mental energy on situations that can be helped with a simple conversation.
Take a recent example of mine:
I’m interstate and visiting a close friend of mine to travel around. I’m imagining that we’ll be able to catch up lots like we used to, and everything will be fine. What I notice early on, is that because there’s a group of people, I don’t spend as much time with this person.
But whatever, I sweep it under the rug and ignore it.
Combined with other things, negative, unsolicited thoughts pop up randomly, and sooner or later, 4 days in, I feel left out, sad and conflicted.
Things start piling on, and my thoughts get so pervasive, that I have to say something. Because, I think, “my friend has no idea i’m feeling like this. If I don’t say anything, things will continue like this. And if it continues like this, I’ll not only worsen my mental health, but also the relationship with my friend”.
But man… getting to have ‘the talk’ was something I DID NOT want. I felt uncomfortable even messaging ‘can we talk later?’.
But you know what? As soon as we were alone, I spewed everything I was thinking out. It was cathartic, and it made my friend aware of what was going on. Something they, as I suspected, had no idea about.
And I had no intention for her to change her behaviour. But just the fact that she knew where I was coming from, was enough for my internal dialogue to cease.
I wrote in my personal diary: “LESSON: please just be open and talk it out! Communication is key“
Why we still avoid (when we know it’s good for us)
I think we all know communication is powerful and necessary. But because we avoid so often, we lack confidence in initiating it.
Though as I mentioned earlier, avoiding important discussions is just a protective mechanism. Because why actively invite conflict into your life?
With my example, I was inviting the chance for my friend to deny, blame, and ruin our relationship. Just the idea that that would happen is ridiculous, but it was subconsciously running in my head.
IT’S ALL A MENTAL GAME.
We can catastrophise, and concoct anything to stop us from initiating a difficult conversation.
It’s just a matter of realising how absurd our thoughts are, and taking the next step anyway.
Is there an alternative?
Sometimes face to face discussion is either so uncomfortable, or just not feasible (e.g discussion leads to inevitable argument (ie no progress), there’s never a chance to sit down with this person etc).
This happened recently to me, and I made a choice. I was still going to voice my feelings, but through a letter.
I invested the same emotional labour into it, as I would in a conversation. Probably even more eloquently, seeing as I forget a lot of things when speaking face to face.
There is no right or wrong with the mediums we choose. Whether written, typed, recorded, coded, if it conveys the feelings you keep inside, then by all means, do it.
No matter what form of communication, it will lead to deeper understanding and provoke conversation.
Let’s talk it out
I am so certain and confident to say, that almost anything can be improved if you just talk it out.
So talk it out. Be vulnerable.
Sacrifice short term ‘pain’ for endless long term gain.