Our lord and saviour: Communication
Communication is like a superpower everyone knows about but doesn’t use.
And it baffles me why I, and many others often use this as a last resort to solve problems. It’s such a simple and fundamental human skill…but then again we sort of suck at it.
As kids, we’re great at expressing dissatisfaction when things conflict with our values (find your own here). While as adults, we have more empathy and an ability to realise we aren’t the centre of attention. And somewhere along the line, we lose the ability to communicate effectively.
To me, communication is about having a conversation, asking questions, and understanding a situation outside of your head. It requires vulnerability, because with connection, comes openness and receiving feedback.
So why the decline?
While definitely not the cause, I can see how school can play a silent, but deadly role (see its other issues here).
Whether it’s being afraid to ask a ‘stupid’ question, or always putting your best self forward in front of your peers, we’ve been conditioned to resist honest communication. And this isn’t surprising, having spent 5 days each week in an environment that looks down on making mistakes.
We don’t want a bad grade, let alone being raw with someone else about how we’re hurt with what they said…
So the alternative?
Speak behind their back and seethe to someone else.
My message
For many reasons, we develop an invisible bubble. What we used to say loud and proud, has now found solace inside our heads. What used to be curiosity and asking questions, is now assuming we know and keeping our mouths shut.
Now I’m not saying we should act like children and say outright offensive or blunt things like “YOUR HEAD IS WEIRDLY SHAPED” or “Why are you so GOD DAMN rude?”.
But I am advocating that we should combine our childhood confidence in speaking up and asking questions, with our current ability of empathy and connection.
Why communication?
Assumptions cause conflict. Assumptions fuel prejudice. Assumptions aren’t helping anyone - in fact, they’re overlooked yet doing considerable damage.
Things like confusion and frustration stem from assessing and assuming a given situation. We take what our minds conjure up as fact. Something undisputed, something to be believed.
E.g:
One day, while discussing my birthday plans with my mum, she mentions “Joey (my brother) doesn’t want to help with your party, he’s mad at you apparently”. My first thought was “wot, since when?, “What did I do?”.
After asking him in person, he mentioned that I’d often take his electronic gadget stuff and not put it back where it was. He was angry I didn’t respect him.
I actually didn’t realise any of his ‘seething’. Because from my side, because I did it once and he didn’t object, I assumed that he’d be fine if I continued doing it.
But instead he thought: I did this despite knowing it made him mad, and couldn’t be bothered to change.
He never brought it up with me, and instead sent ‘you suck’ vibes from afar. And oblivious to this, I assumed he was ok with it.
We ended up thinking on behalf of each other.
Our assumptions get in the way.
But communication squashes assumptions.
Communication vs Confrontation
They’re considered synonymous, and I can see why.
In school, problems between students would be labelled a ‘fight’. And talking it out would be ‘confrontation’.
But personally, they are VERY different.
Communication isn’t hostile, it’s not aggressive. Bringing up to someone else how they hurt you is scary, it invites self-reflection. And if anything, this is inner confrontation.
And thanks to society, being vulnerable means being ‘weak’, so we avoid it. But that’s how assumptions get squashed, and problems solved.
Effective communication?
ASKING.
To kick assumptions in the butt, I’ve personally found asking to be the #1 ‘magic’ solution.
e.g “I feel X because of this, and I just want to know…why did you do Y?”
A simple question like this gives the other person opportunity to speak up, and you to gain clarity.
It’s not confrontation, it’s communication.
TLDR;
- Communication = good
- Assumptions = not ideal
- Communication is not confrontation
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to eat breakfast (green smoothie with muesli) because I am VERY hungry.
Jo x
